I Thought Myself to Be a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Helped Me Realize the Truth

During 2011, a couple of years prior to the acclaimed David Bowie display opened at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I declared myself a lesbian. Up to that point, I had only been with men, including one I had wed. After a couple of years, I found myself in my early 40s, a recently separated parent to four children, living in the America.

Throughout this phase, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and romantic inclinations, looking to find clarity.

My birthplace was England during the dawn of the seventies era - pre-world wide web. As teenagers, my companions and myself didn't have Reddit or YouTube to consult when we had questions about sex; rather, we sought guidance from music icons, and throughout the eighties, everyone was experimenting with gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer wore boys' clothes, The flamboyant singer embraced girls' clothes, and bands such as well-known groups featured artists who were openly gay.

I wanted his lean physique and precise cut, his defined jawline and masculine torso. I aimed to personify the Bowie's Berlin period

Throughout the 90s, I spent my time driving a bike and adopting masculine styles, but I went back to femininity when I opted for marriage. My partner relocated us to the America in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an powerful draw back towards the male identity I had previously abandoned.

Given that no one challenged norms as dramatically as David Bowie, I opted to use some leisure time during a seasonal visit back to the UK at the museum, hoping that possibly he could provide clarity.

I lacked clarity precisely what I was seeking when I entered the exhibition - perhaps I hoped that by submerging my consciousness in the extravagance of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, as a result, stumble across a hint about my true nature.

Quickly I discovered myself standing in front of a small television screen where the film clip for "that track" was playing on repeat. Bowie was strutting his stuff in the primary position, looking sharp in a dark grey suit, while to the side three accompanying performers in feminine attire crowded round a microphone.

In contrast to the drag queens I had seen personally, these characters didn't glide around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; rather they looked bored and annoyed. Relegated to the background, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the boredom of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, seemingly unaware to their diminished energy. I felt a fleeting feeling of empathy for the backing singers, with their heavy makeup, awkward hairpieces and too-tight dresses.

They appeared to feel as ill-at-ease as I did in feminine attire - irritated and impatient, as if they were yearning for it all to conclude. Precisely when I realized I was identifying with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Understandably, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I became completely convinced that I wanted to rip it all off and emulate the artist. I craved his slender frame and his sharp haircut, his defined jawline and his male chest; I wanted to embody the lean-figured, Berlin-era Bowie. However I couldn't, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Declaring myself as homosexual was a separate matter, but transitioning was a much more frightening prospect.

I required several more years before I was ready. During that period, I tried my hardest to become more masculine: I stopped wearing makeup and eliminated all my women's clothing, shortened my locks and began donning masculine outfits.

I altered how I sat, changed my stride, and modified my personal references, but I stopped short of hormonal treatment - the possibility of rejection and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

When the David Bowie show completed its global journey with a engagement in the American metropolis, five years later, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be a person I wasn't.

Facing the identical footage in 2018, I knew for certain that the issue wasn't my clothes, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been wearing drag since birth. I aimed to transition into the man in the sharp suit, dancing in the spotlight, and now I realized that I could.

I booked myself in to see a doctor shortly afterwards. The process required further time before my personal journey finished, but none of the things I worried about occurred.

I continue to possess many of my traditional womanly traits, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a homosexual male, but I'm OK with that. I desired the liberty to play with gender following Bowie's example - and given that I'm at peace with myself, I have that capacity.